Meet the domestic, single mole

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February 24, 2003 // UPDATED 9:09 am - April 30, 2007
By: Julie Swenson
Julie Swenson

Known for shuffling through skyways and running from all things "couple-y"

These are the mole days Downtown.

I leave my underground heated garage at home, park in one at the office, then drive to another to go to Target, then home again. Everything -- the work, errands, client meetings, evening class at St. Thomas and dinner at home then a little Larry King -- is done indoors via skyway and heated car.

Overall, it's pretty disorienting.

There's one piece of skyway between the Campbell Mithun Tower and the TCF Tower that's so much like the hallway to a gate at the airport I instinctively start running because I think I'm late for my flight. As I start to run, I remember I'm not leaving home, and for half a second I smile because I won't have to miss my boyfriend. Then I remember I don't have a boyfriend. Bummer, that means we won't get married and I'll have to buy my own Williams-Sonoma stuff.

Now I'm in that part of the skyway.

Williams-Sonoma's support of the industrial wedding complex is alarming and annoying to those of us lucky enough to still be single. It's just not safe to browse there right now.

It's the same everywhere in retail at this time of the year. Everyone wants to sell the bride things to help her get ready for the June wedding. The message is clear; "Buy all this stuff and you'll have a home so beautiful and happy you won't get divorced." Sounds absurd, but it works. Smart women fall for it over and over.

You can see them registering over the lunch hour at the IDS Williams-Sonoma. I want to run up to them, shake their little DKNY- clad shoulders and yell, "You'll be paying for divorce lawyers before you've paid off the wedding." Then I remember that her Dad is paying for the wedding and I hate her even more.

Anyway, it's not going to be safe to walk into Williams-Sonoma or Crate&Barrel or a handful of my other favorite stores until the management can trade wedding displays for Christmas ones. That won't happen until next October.

So what are we, the singles, supposed to do in the next six months to survive? Get engaged to the next guy you meet at happy hour? Get engaged to the sexy-sounding guy on LiveLinks? Or the first guy who e-mails you off Surrender now and join a convent? Surrender now and go to law school?

These are just a few of the options the modern woman has, but none of them are as good as wallowing in a little constructive self-pity and avoiding the wedding industry like a bad rash.

My advice for other single Downtown moles? If you have to walk through that Williams-Sonoma patch of skyway, divert your gaze to the other side. Oops, I take that back. Badiner Jewelers is over there.

I guess we'll just suck it up and go outside if we must. But cross the Nicollet Mall between 7th and 8th streets. Then you'll only be subject to the Gap family, and if you can't handle that you have bigger problems than I can help you with here.

Whatever you do, be sure to stay Downtown. It's a whole lot better than the suburbs and, gasp, Linden Hills. May I remind you of the happy couples around Lake Harriet, gleefully pushing strollers and renovating for years on end. Instead of the mole's life, these people are ice skating and sipping hot cocoa at the Linden Hills Dunn Bros.

I warn you, dear single reader, you will run into an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend there. And when you do, that ex- will be happily fetching napkins for the tykes while debating the benefits of a Waldorf education with that toothy Britney of a girl he left you for.

No, it's just not worth it to leave Downtown, even when it means living completely indoors for days on end. So stay safe, and stay inside.

While she is occasionally a burrowing mammal, Julie Swenson is also the owner of Abbas Public Relations,